Friday Funnies

[Spaceman Spiff]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[blues_r_best]

Actual Court Transcripts

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.
_

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.
_

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.
_

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

 

[shooter mcgavin]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.


When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Nestudas]