Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Bolton -
Not one of our most popular pupils, this one. Prone to fits of violence and if there's a ruckus in the playground, you'll invariably find him at the centre of it. That said, he has settled into his work better this term and is beginning to achieve some reasonable grades. A bit more flair wouldn't go amiss, but to be honest, it's just nice not to see him beating up Arsenal every break-time.
Model Pupil - Gary Megson did very well to get his mitts on Gary Cahill, who is turning into a very consistent defender.
In Detention - Ricardo Gardner has been a mainstay for Bolton for years, but he's dropped out of the team this year. Time for a new start?
Grade - C-
Middlesbrough -
A favourite with the staff and pupils alike, every essay from this student is immaculately produced, ring-bound and decorated with intricate 'mood' etchings. True, it would be nice if he ever produced more than a couple of paragraphs, but there's a lot to be said for presentation. Polite and well brought-up, he doesn't have the ruthless streak required to win a Merit Prize.
Model Pupil - Big, strong and unbeatable in the air, it won't be long before David Wheater is back in the England squad.
In Detention - When is Alfonso Alves going to start scoring? We keep waiting in vain, but it never happens.
Grade - C
Stoke -
We don't often let the rough kids from the estate in, but we made an exception for this pupil and, to be honest, we can't entirely recall why. Prone to using his physical strength to intimidate the other pupils, it has to be said that the work he eventually produces is perfectly acceptable, though he is markedly more comfortable with working from home. Is he getting help?
Model Pupil - Ricardo Fuller has weighed in with seven of Stoke's 17 goals this season. Quick and deadly.
In Detention - Leon Cort used to play for Southend United and it shows. Not nearly good enough.
Grade - C-
Tottenham -
A precocious young man with the gift of the gab but an inability to ever deliver good grades, we were very worried about him at the start of term. He insisted in only communicating in Spanish and failed to hand in any work at all. We suspect that encouragement from home may have been behind his recent improvement and we wholeheartedly approve. Time to start fulfilling potential.
Model Pupil - A welcome return to form for Aaron Lennon who had stagnated in recent years. If he can ever produce a final ball, he'll be a world beater.
In Detention - David Bentley's set-pieces have been infuriating and his crossing is abject. Not fit to lick David Beckham's boots.
Grade - C-
Man City -
It's one thing to turn up at school with expensive new stationary, but you actually have to do some work now and again if you are ever to achieve at this establishment. There appears to be a feeling that this pupil can simply show up, flick through some glossy new books and then learn by osmosis. This is not the case! A significant improvement is required in the second half of term.
Model Pupil - Little Shaun Wright-Phillips is back where he belongs and how it shows. He's looking good again.
In Detention - Elano has to learn that football seasons last for nine months. He can't just turn up when he wants with a couple of nice free-kicks.
Grade - E
West Ham -
These are testing times for this student. Accused of using another pupil's study notes in exams two years ago, the investigation is overshadowing his efforts to turn over a new leaf. We are also aware of a gathering financial storm at home that may make the school fees prohibitively expensive. All he can do for the rest of the term is to work hard and hope that things improve.
Model Pupil - Matthew Upson is holding the Hammers together at the back. How long will he stick around?
In Detention - What happened to Luis Boa Morte? I'm sure he used to be good for Fulham. He's rubbish for West Ham
Grade - D
Sunderland -
A quiet student, prone to fits of nervousness. Has there been trouble at home? Too much discipline can sometimes be as damaging as too little, you know. A vast improvement was seen recently, but it's too early to say for sure whether or not he can fulfil his undoubted potential. More hard work and more bravery is required here, but no new school books, please. He has quite enough already.
Model Pupil - Djibril Cisse is back in England and he looks rather better than when he was at Liverpool. Seven goals now for the on-loan hitman.
In Detention - Pascal Chimbonda has been causing problems since he arrived at The Stadium of Light. He's a good player, why can't he be a good professional?
Grade - C-
Newcastle -
The staff are sure that they can remember a time when this student used to excel in all subjects, but I have my doubts. Messy, disorganised, forgetful and not particularly bright, how could it possibly be? Some of his language to the staff has been appalling and he needs to learn that a potty-mouth is no substitute for good old-fashioned hard work. He needs to pull his socks up, fast!
Model Pupil - Jonas Gutierrez is far too good for Newcastle. He must wonder what on earth he signed up for.
In Detention - I have rarely seen a footballer as wasteful with set-pieces as Geremi. Joe Kinnear ran out of patience with him after one game.
Grade - E
Blackburn Rovers -
An absolutely dreadful half-term for a student who used to challenge the star pupils in many subjects. Hasn't handed in an essay on time for several months and in recent lessons doesn't even seem to be trying. He didn't even manage to turn up last week, it's really rather worrying. Serious changes need to be made, otherwise I will have no hesitation in moving him to the remedial class.
Model Pupil - The best of a weak bunch, Paul Robinson has worked hard to rebuild his reputation this season. Could have picked a safer place to do it though.
In Detention - All of them. Including Paul Ince. Just too many abysmal performances to cope with.
Grade - E
West Brom
We're beginning to think that this student has been pushed further than his natural abilities will take him. A nice lad who always looks to use new ideas and to try new disciplines, his work is strewn with errors and his conclusions are contentious. The sad fact is that he is just not quite as clever as he thinks he is. Good old fashioned hard work may help him, but it could be too late.
Model Pupil - Jonathan Greening has the ability to turn a game with his passing but there's no-one there to help him. He must be frustrated.
In Detention - Ryan Donk is every bit as useless as his name suggests. Just an awful defender.
Grade E+
Not one of our most popular pupils, this one. Prone to fits of violence and if there's a ruckus in the playground, you'll invariably find him at the centre of it. That said, he has settled into his work better this term and is beginning to achieve some reasonable grades. A bit more flair wouldn't go amiss, but to be honest, it's just nice not to see him beating up Arsenal every break-time.
Model Pupil - Gary Megson did very well to get his mitts on Gary Cahill, who is turning into a very consistent defender.
In Detention - Ricardo Gardner has been a mainstay for Bolton for years, but he's dropped out of the team this year. Time for a new start?
Grade - C-
Middlesbrough -
A favourite with the staff and pupils alike, every essay from this student is immaculately produced, ring-bound and decorated with intricate 'mood' etchings. True, it would be nice if he ever produced more than a couple of paragraphs, but there's a lot to be said for presentation. Polite and well brought-up, he doesn't have the ruthless streak required to win a Merit Prize.
Model Pupil - Big, strong and unbeatable in the air, it won't be long before David Wheater is back in the England squad.
In Detention - When is Alfonso Alves going to start scoring? We keep waiting in vain, but it never happens.
Grade - C
Stoke -
We don't often let the rough kids from the estate in, but we made an exception for this pupil and, to be honest, we can't entirely recall why. Prone to using his physical strength to intimidate the other pupils, it has to be said that the work he eventually produces is perfectly acceptable, though he is markedly more comfortable with working from home. Is he getting help?
Model Pupil - Ricardo Fuller has weighed in with seven of Stoke's 17 goals this season. Quick and deadly.
In Detention - Leon Cort used to play for Southend United and it shows. Not nearly good enough.
Grade - C-
Tottenham -
A precocious young man with the gift of the gab but an inability to ever deliver good grades, we were very worried about him at the start of term. He insisted in only communicating in Spanish and failed to hand in any work at all. We suspect that encouragement from home may have been behind his recent improvement and we wholeheartedly approve. Time to start fulfilling potential.
Model Pupil - A welcome return to form for Aaron Lennon who had stagnated in recent years. If he can ever produce a final ball, he'll be a world beater.
In Detention - David Bentley's set-pieces have been infuriating and his crossing is abject. Not fit to lick David Beckham's boots.
Grade - C-
Man City -
It's one thing to turn up at school with expensive new stationary, but you actually have to do some work now and again if you are ever to achieve at this establishment. There appears to be a feeling that this pupil can simply show up, flick through some glossy new books and then learn by osmosis. This is not the case! A significant improvement is required in the second half of term.
Model Pupil - Little Shaun Wright-Phillips is back where he belongs and how it shows. He's looking good again.
In Detention - Elano has to learn that football seasons last for nine months. He can't just turn up when he wants with a couple of nice free-kicks.
Grade - E
West Ham -
These are testing times for this student. Accused of using another pupil's study notes in exams two years ago, the investigation is overshadowing his efforts to turn over a new leaf. We are also aware of a gathering financial storm at home that may make the school fees prohibitively expensive. All he can do for the rest of the term is to work hard and hope that things improve.
Model Pupil - Matthew Upson is holding the Hammers together at the back. How long will he stick around?
In Detention - What happened to Luis Boa Morte? I'm sure he used to be good for Fulham. He's rubbish for West Ham
Grade - D
Sunderland -
A quiet student, prone to fits of nervousness. Has there been trouble at home? Too much discipline can sometimes be as damaging as too little, you know. A vast improvement was seen recently, but it's too early to say for sure whether or not he can fulfil his undoubted potential. More hard work and more bravery is required here, but no new school books, please. He has quite enough already.
Model Pupil - Djibril Cisse is back in England and he looks rather better than when he was at Liverpool. Seven goals now for the on-loan hitman.
In Detention - Pascal Chimbonda has been causing problems since he arrived at The Stadium of Light. He's a good player, why can't he be a good professional?
Grade - C-
Newcastle -
The staff are sure that they can remember a time when this student used to excel in all subjects, but I have my doubts. Messy, disorganised, forgetful and not particularly bright, how could it possibly be? Some of his language to the staff has been appalling and he needs to learn that a potty-mouth is no substitute for good old-fashioned hard work. He needs to pull his socks up, fast!
Model Pupil - Jonas Gutierrez is far too good for Newcastle. He must wonder what on earth he signed up for.
In Detention - I have rarely seen a footballer as wasteful with set-pieces as Geremi. Joe Kinnear ran out of patience with him after one game.
Grade - E
Blackburn Rovers -
An absolutely dreadful half-term for a student who used to challenge the star pupils in many subjects. Hasn't handed in an essay on time for several months and in recent lessons doesn't even seem to be trying. He didn't even manage to turn up last week, it's really rather worrying. Serious changes need to be made, otherwise I will have no hesitation in moving him to the remedial class.
Model Pupil - The best of a weak bunch, Paul Robinson has worked hard to rebuild his reputation this season. Could have picked a safer place to do it though.
In Detention - All of them. Including Paul Ince. Just too many abysmal performances to cope with.
Grade - E
West Brom
We're beginning to think that this student has been pushed further than his natural abilities will take him. A nice lad who always looks to use new ideas and to try new disciplines, his work is strewn with errors and his conclusions are contentious. The sad fact is that he is just not quite as clever as he thinks he is. Good old fashioned hard work may help him, but it could be too late.
Model Pupil - Jonathan Greening has the ability to turn a game with his passing but there's no-one there to help him. He must be frustrated.
In Detention - Ryan Donk is every bit as useless as his name suggests. Just an awful defender.
Grade E+
