Dilemma

[SupaBlues]

Hi good people of SZ. Just after a bit of advice. I have a huge dilemma that will shape the rest of my life. I was with my partner for the best part of 20 years. About 5 years ago I found out that I had a daughter, who was 17 when I knew, and we had also discovered it was not possible for my ex and I to conceive naturally. Anyway we went down the IVF route about 3 years ago but she couldnt get on with the tablets she had to take and wanted to take a break from it. In the meantime my newly acquired daughter had given birth so I was now a grandad without having kids- WTF- try getting your head round that!! As you can imagine my ex wasnt exactly enthralled by this and last week things became too much and she left me as she cant get her head round the fact that I have a daughter and grandchild and we have none, I also turned 40 this week. However I did tell her many years ago that I wanted at least one child before we were 30, but she decided we couldnt do this as I had bad epilepsy. I had a brain op in Jan 2000 which appears to have cured that problem but we only found out that conceiving wasnt going to be easy in about 2009 as my ex had suffered,but got over, cancer.
I met with my ex today and basically have been told its her or my daughter and grandaughter what do I do???
Any advice would be appreciated its like Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. I would say my life is a better place with my ex in it but its also better with my daughter and granddaughter in it too. HELP!!!

 

[McNasty]

Tony, it's a massive shock to find out all the things you have in a short space of time.

Your new daughter and even newer grand-daughter are going nowhere but the present/ex lady will need extra careful treatment for her to remain in your life. The one thing is that you can't change anything as far as daughter is concerned --- it's a very harsh demand not to have anything further to do with them.

Perhaps in time the ex may realise the daughter is not going away and slowly accept the new family.

Can't really give any advice. Just hope it all works out in time.

 

[steveo]

If the ex cant make allowance for your daughter she needs to stay as your ex.

Suppose you sacrifice your daughter and granddaughter now, and you split up with your ex next year? You wouldnt be able to go back to your daughter then. You can find another partnet but you cant find another daughter.

 

[Benfleet A1]

Jesus! That is some run of bad luck. I'm not sure what to say here but say something my ex mother-in-law once said. When asked who she would chose, her husband or the kids she replied husband without hesitation. When asked why she said she married her husband and committed to him for life. The kids came along after that commitment and although she would love them dearly her husband would be the one she wanted to be with until she died. I sort of get it.

Good luck with what you decide.

 

[Cricko]

Nobody should force you to make a choice, if they love you they will want what best suits you all. History is as it says on the tin History...Most have some and as a couple you have to learn and take it in your stride if you want to stay together. Ultimations you cannot do.

 

[Cricko]

Jesus! That is some run of bad luck. I'm not sure what to say here but say something my ex mother-in-law once said. When asked who she would chose, her husband or the kids she replied husband without hesitation. When asked why she said she married her husband and committed to him for life. The kids came along after that commitment and although she would love them dearly her husband would be the one she wanted to be with until she died. I sort of get it.


Good luck with what you decide.

I find that very odd as blood is thicker than water...

 

[Benfleet A1]

I find that very odd as blood is thicker than water...

She was Irish so it probably makes perfect sense to her.

 

[WightShrimper]

I understand your ex's feelings as she has been unable to have her own children and is unlikely to do so now. However, neither of you can change the fact that you now have a daughter and grand-daughter and even if you were to cast them out of your life, there is no guarantee that the fact they are around somewhere is not going to be 'used against you' by your ex IF she were to come back to you.
You are still only young and you will meet someone else who will be able to accept your offspring as part of the package you are....you are certainly not likely to be 'Grandadding' all the time. Move on, as your ex has shown that you are not her whole world and something (though quite a big something) can come between you both.

 

[OldBlueLady]

I find that very odd as blood is thicker than water...

Me too as I would have always said my kids as they were starting out in their lives and a parent should be prepared to sacrifice themselves for their kids.

Anyway, first of all, my heartfelt sympathies for a whole series of events that individually are difficult enough to deal with, let alone all together. Then, I would have to say that the issue here is with your ex who has clearly never reconciled to not being able to have children with you and is presumably jealous of the fact that you were able to reproduce without her. It's like rubbing her nose in it that you are a parent and she isn't.

The decision to be made is whether you want to spend your life with your ex or whether this is an insurmountable problem. I would hope that, given a bit of time, she will accept that this daughter and grand-daughter are a part of you, and are seemingly a part of your life, and accept and love them for that. If she simply can't accept that, then, as I see it, there is no future for you together. She's jealous and vulnerable and probably doesn't like herself for feeling like that. I believe that the situation is not beyond repair, but that she needs time and a bit of wrapping in cotton wool because her failings have been accentuated here.

It's an incredibly tricky situation and I wish you the very best of luck, hopefully it will all work out in the end. Most problems normally do.

In the meantime be nice to her, be gentle with her, but enjoy your daughter and grandchild. It's not fair to make you choose and hopefully, in time, she'll come to see that.

 

[* ORM *]

Kudos for posting on here. I'm afraid I don't have a magic wand but I do go through life never regretting a decision I've made even if it turns out wrong (plenty of those). Good luck with this. My sister had what I assume is the same op as you btw. She's now pretty much fine and certainly driving again.

 

[BrettieAngell]

It's not right she is making you choose mate, whether she likes it or not your daughter and grand daughter are a part of your life now.

 

[Bielzibubz]

Partners come and go. Family are for life, end of.

Sorry that's so short but I feel there's no other way of putting it.

 

[MK Shrimper]

Partners come and go. Family are for life, end of.

Sorry that's so short but I feel there's no other way of putting it.

How I see it to. She's your ex, cut all ties whether you're friendly or not and move on.

 

[South Bank Hank]

Agreeing to an ultimatum like that which hurts you is a pretty crumbly foundation to be building your future relationship on. Strikes me that if you agree to your (ex) partner's ultimatum and cut off ties with your daughter and granddaughter, it'll forever be a millstone in your relationship with her. I can see why it might be really hard for her but, if she truly has YOUR best interests at heart, she wouldn't be asking you to make this choice. If you come to resent it (which you undoubtedly will) you might then find yourself losing out on both the relationship and your family.

Sounds to me like it's her who needs to make a choice, not you. Is there a possibility that she could come to accept your situation better in time?

 

[BrettieAngell]

Agreeing to an ultimatum like that which hurts you is a pretty crumbly foundation to be building your future relationship on. Strikes me that if you agree to your (ex) partner's ultimatum and cut off ties with your daughter and granddaughter, it'll forever be a millstone in your relationship with her. I can see why it might be really hard for her but, if she truly has YOUR best interests at heart, she wouldn't be asking you to make this choice. If you come to resent it (which you undoubtedly will) you might then find yourself losing out on both the relationship and your family.

Sounds to me like its her who needs to make a choice, not you. Is there a possibility that she could come to accept your situation better in time?

Pretty much nail on the head mate, I know supablues personally and couldn't have put it better myself.

 

[South Bank Hank]

Pretty much nail on the head mate, I know supablues personally and couldn't have put it better myself.

What I didn't say was 'best of luck'. Hope it all turns out okay.

 

[Napster]

Ah man that's no dilemma I'd like to have. Think on this carefully. Whilst I agree that blood is thicker than water, you didn't know about your daughter until recently and she has grown up without you. And your ex and you have gone through so much together.

Personally, I'd try and compromise, but give your partner more.

 

[OldBlueLady]

Ah man that's no dilemma I'd like to have. Think on this carefully. Whilst I agree that blood is thicker than water, you didn't know about your daughter until recently and she has grown up without you. And your ex and you have gone through so much together.

Personally, I'd try and compromise, but give your partner more.

Time, do you mean Naps? :unsure: Pretty much what I said too.

 

[Napster]

Time, do you mean Naps? :unsure: Pretty much what I said too.

Time, love, care, compassion, take your pick

 

[Hotman]

I think it's very unfair of her to put this ultimatum on you. She isn't going to get a child anywhere else, because of her health reasons, and frankly anyone else at her age would have baggage too.