MrB
Life President
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris" and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey", and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your smeg, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till". After you ask, "Two seconds to what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "smegging"
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie 'Back to the Future' they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the smeg down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy smeg! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's smeg.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The only substance that is hard enough to cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Some of you may have been to Mt. Isa and noticed that there is no actual Isa Mountain.
That's because Chuck Norris visited there and didn't like the mountain so he round house kicked it into space.
It is now known as Hayley's Comet.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey", and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your smeg, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till". After you ask, "Two seconds to what?", he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "smegging"
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie 'Back to the Future' they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the smeg down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy smeg! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's smeg.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
The only substance that is hard enough to cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Some of you may have been to Mt. Isa and noticed that there is no actual Isa Mountain.
That's because Chuck Norris visited there and didn't like the mountain so he round house kicked it into space.
It is now known as Hayley's Comet.
